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Spill The TEA
If you missed your initiation into womanhood, you’re not alone. Truth tellers spill the tea about the misguided trappings of what it means to be a woman. Listen in as they tackle the myths and realities of being a daughter, sister, mother, wife, and friend. Find a sense of community and inspiration with these podcast creatives. You are bound to recognize yourself in their collective experiences.
Spill The TEA
Rise from Within: Discovering Inner Strength
Inner strength is the foundation upon which we can build our lives, navigate our struggles, and rise above adversity. In this episode, we delve into the profound concept of cultivating inner strength, sharing personal stories that resonate with resilience, vulnerability, and empowerment. Through compelling narratives, we explore what it means to rise from within and how this journey shapes us.
We start by discussing the significance of self-validation in finding our strength, as well as the detrimental effects of seeking external approval. One host opens up about a traumatic moment in her life, illustrating how recognizing our own power can lead to transformative healing and self-empowerment. Other stories highlight everyday experiences, bringing humor and relatability to the exploration of living alone and confronting life's little challenges that demand inner strength.
Rooted in science and psychology, we address how the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems influence our ability to manage stress. Practical strategies such as meditation and deep breathing are offered to assist in stabilizing our internal responses to external pressures. Through discussing mindfulness and community support, we encourage listeners to embrace their journeys and trust the strength that resides within them.
Join us in this intimate conversation full of insights, laughter, and heartfelt stories. Tune in and discover your own inner strength. Don’t forget to subscribe, share, and leave us a review!
Grab a warm drink and join us- we saved a seat for you. Don't forget to stay updated with Spill the TEA by following us on Facebook at Women Gathering and Growing with TEA or on Instagram at Grow with TEA.
All right, everyone, welcome back to Svildity. Today we are going to be talking about cultivating inner strength, and it's kind of similar to our last episode. I realized before we started today that maybe we hadn't unfolded how we plan to move forward with episodes, so I'm going to throw it over to Tracy to kind of explain where we're headed and where we're going.
Speaker 2:Thanks, kara. This year we are building up to our retreat and our word is rise. So we have selected a series of podcast topics that scaffold learning, so that, just like it sounds, you build learning on top of each other. So start with the basics and then you start getting more and more in depth or deeper into a topic until you can do higher level learning. So we are taking the deepest dive into the word rise and rising between now and October. So by the time that those of us that are coming together are together, we will have taken an entire course on the word rising or the act of rising, not the word rising, the act of rising.
Speaker 1:So today's topic was cultivating inner strength. Does anybody want to dive right in?
Speaker 2:The first thing that this says is what does rising from within mean to you personally, and how did you begin your own journey towards inner strength? I think that's a great place to start.
Speaker 1:When I think about inner strength, one of the things I think about is that usually, when you have to muster inner strength, there's a decisiveness that happens where you've experienced something and you know you have to rise up from it. But it typically to me feels like something I've been uncertain about, like maybe I didn't know which way I wanted to go with something, and then something happens and it's very clear that I have to be decisive about my next actions, that my next actions might be that I'm not going to keep doing something I was doing or that I'm going to start doing something I wasn't doing. Does that make sense?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I agree. I think that you know rising from within and finding that inner strength is so important in our journey to becoming our true selves. I also wanted to bring up the fact that it's important not to get caught up in external validation. That is something that can, you know, mess with your inner strength or make you try to, like I've said in the past, fit yourself into a box to make other people happy without thinking about yourself. So I think that just taking a step back and validating yourself and being proud of yourself and your decisions is really important.
Speaker 2:I think that I completely agree, erin, and I want to share a little bit of my personal story. Validating yourself and being proud of yourself and your decisions is really important. I think that I completely agree, erin, and I want to share a little bit of my personal story, and I don't think I've shared this on the podcast before. I didn't put it in the book. When I read these questions and when I read this topic, and then when I talked about this topic earlier with someone today, I keep coming back to the same point for me of when I recognized what inner strength was, and it was such a visceral thing. But I think sharing it could be helpful. But before I share it, I just want to give a disclaimer that this could be triggering.
Speaker 2:I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 by a relative and I remember during that time, when it was happening or about to happen or things were getting were bad, I remember looking for some sort of external validation or somebody to come in and save me, and that's what was going through my head and I was thinking specifically of my friend Dan. I wish Dan was here, I wish he would, wish he'd come through the door. I wish he would. I wish he'd come in, I wish he would, wish he would save me. When I knew, like in my mind, dan's not coming to save me and either I saved myself or this is going to move from an assault to something much worse. I remember thinking it was almost like a switch, like a reserve, like something deeper, deeper within, when I let go of that thought that something external would save me and recognizing that something internal was either going to turn on or I was going to be in such danger, such physical danger, that it would be much more catastrophic than it was. So once I found that inner strength that was in my gut and it was like my back straightened and it felt like I was standing up straighter and I got up and moved and physically got away from what was happening. So, without sharing too many details, it was a very visceral thing.
Speaker 2:So now, when I think of my own inner strength, I go back to that time and that feeling in that moment, not as PTSD, but in that feeling of rising that no, nobody's coming in on this white horse, nobody's going to come through the door and make this stop. The way this stops is I stop this For me, when I was talking to that person earlier today. They asked what we were doing they're talking about tonight on the podcast and I said well, we're talking about finding your inner strength and the response was well, I don't know how to say something not generic to that prompt unless you tell me specifically a story of something happening then I can respond, of how I found my inner strength, because there's been different times when I've found my inner strength in a different way. That's just the first time I ever remember finding my inner strength, because I was 15.
Speaker 3:Thank you for sharing that, thank you for being vulnerable and giving a voice to other people who have gone through that situation as well, who may not feel comfortable speaking up, and I'm sorry that that happened to you. I don't know. I think it's one in three women are sexually assaulted in their life, so it's something that's unfortunate oh, if those numbers are correct though one in three.
Speaker 4:We know of one in three women, they know of one in three I guarantee those numbers are way higher, I bet honestly say, put it to the group too, if you're sexually assaulted.
Speaker 5:I feel like more than half of the group would raise their hand and that, right, there is more than one. Yeah, right, you're sexually assaulted.
Speaker 3:I feel like more than half of the group would raise their hand, and that right. There is more than one.
Speaker 2:Yeah right, you're brave to talk about. I think that the reason I can talk about it now, laura, is because one is that statistic to the work that I do, and three is having healed from that story. The reason I'm bringing it up tonight is it's the first time I remember finding inner strength.
Speaker 5:I think it's really important to when we talk about finding inner strength, the strength doesn't always have to be the hard, tougher emotions like being strong and having a backbone. It can also be having compassion for yourself within those hard times, and I think that's one of the most important ways to find inner strength is to be understanding of a situation and have that compassion, to not be hard on yourself in difficult times.
Speaker 2:I think I agree. I think that that's a really wise thing to say, brooke, because I think when I was in my early 20s I would not have understood that that is a strength is a strength.
Speaker 3:I love the way that you worded that too. I think it's very hard to not be compassionate and empathetic with ourselves because we hold ourselves to such a high standard. I'm guilty of it myself, you know. Oh, you stupid idiot, why did you do that? Or you know, I really wish that I would have done this differently. But really putting yourself back in that moment and understanding, you know, I know why she did this at this time and I love her for it.
Speaker 2:Still, Does anybody else have a story? I mean, I know I went right to a really dark spot, but does anybody else have a story where they remember finding their inner strength?
Speaker 1:Honestly, I'm sitting here trying to think like what is the first time that I remember having to find inner strength and I don't know, like I don't know what the first time was.
Speaker 2:I don't know that I would remember the very first time had that not been so traumatic. Yeah Right, if it had been something where you know I had to find inner strength because I'd lost a soccer championship, I might not have remembered that, though you may need to find inner strength to do that, right, right.
Speaker 6:I would say that a poignant time in my life was when I found myself by myself having. You know, when I left my home, that I grew up I moved right in with somebody and always relied on this other person to do things for me, and you know the traditional, I would say male things. And so then I'm divorced and in a new home, or I bought my own home, and find myself having to rely on myself. And I remember. So this is not as dramatic a story, nonetheless a memory that I can laugh about at least. But I'm in my new home alone and I hear a noise in the basement and it sounded significant enough and I thought, holy shit, first of all, what was that? And then, second of all, I'm the only one that can go and save this and check it out.
Speaker 6:But I remember calling my mother and saying would you just stay on the phone with me while I go down into the basement to see what this was? And as I crept down there because it was a walkout basement so there could be somebody down there and turned out it was a rat that had knocked over something. Yeah, yeah, right. So I screamed. My mother is screaming on the other side, on the other end, and and so then I had to go down to the store and get a rat trap and set it myself and I just that put me on a path of this female empowerment, and it felt good. It felt good to confront something that I was really afraid of and come out the other side and I caught this poor thing. I mean, I destroyed it with the trap and that was disgusting too, and I had to take care of that myself when I always had a guy to do that.
Speaker 2:Please tell me. You threw the trap away. You just threw the whole thing away, right? Oh yeah, yes, oh good, good good good and a rat trap is really hard to pull back. I know it's hard All of it All of it.
Speaker 6:And then I'm compassionate for creatures of the earth on top of that. And, oh God, it was just perhaps also why it's so poignant in my memory, but I just remember having to confront things like that. Normally I would have passed on to my partner to take care of, and here I am. I'm like there's just me.
Speaker 2:What did it feel like before you crept down the stairs?
Speaker 6:I was timid, I was scared, because also I'm thinking it's a person down there, because I also would have Did you take a butter knife?
Speaker 6:No, I don't even think I took a weapon of any sort. You know, and I don't know how often or prior to this, but I would have dreams about, about living alone and being surveilled. You know that people were watching me, and so I don't know how many dreams I had before this or after that, or maybe this sparked it, I don't know, but it was scary, but exhilarating after the fact and having done it, having figured it out myself, but I think it's important to say that I reached out for help, just somebody to like be there on the other line to call 9-1-1.
Speaker 3:Mary, all I can think of is when I was a child and ask you if a certain somebody lived in your basement.
Speaker 6:Jesus did not take the wheel down there, maybe we should give some context.
Speaker 3:Mom. How old was I Three when Mary was girl, bossing into the sun with her rat trapping in her new home? My mom took me and my brothers over to visit her in her new home. At the time I was being babysat by somebody who was very religious and talked to us all about Mother Mary and Jesus and Jesus's love. And you know, I was three. So I was like, wow, jesus and Mary. The only person I know whose name is Mary is my mom's friend, mary. So we went over to her house one time and I would not stop looking in every room, I looked in every closet, I looked everywhere. And at the end of that night I asked my mom. I said you know, I looked everywhere in Mary's house and I didn't find Jesus anywhere. Is he in the basement?
Speaker 7:That's so cute. This was after she asked me.
Speaker 2:This was after erin asked if mother mary because she said mother mary when we were in the car, if mother mary had rules for jesus, and what kind of rules did mary have for jesus and what would mary do if jesus got in trouble. And this was after we left mary's house. But I was thinking mother mary and Jesus and thought, wow, erin's having a really spiritual conversation with me Awesome. She really thought Mary was putting Jesus and time out in the basement.
Speaker 6:I could be Mary Magdalene. You know, I could be from antiquity.
Speaker 3:So Mary signed my card for my recent wedding from Mary, carl and Jesus.
Speaker 7:So that's really nice of her. It's a classic. I remember going to that house with Izzy when she was just a few weeks old and you were the first person to make her belly laugh, Mary.
Speaker 1:We all knew it was going to happen.
Speaker 7:We all knew it was going to be you. She was wearing the little outfit that Laura had had gotten her too. It was so adorable that cream colored suit. It was great from old navy. I think it was very cute. But yeah, belly laughed. That was a. I liked that house. That was a great house yeah, that was that.
Speaker 6:I felt empowered, having bought my own home, living on my own. It just came with all these other responsibilities that I couldn't pass off to other people.
Speaker 4:Was the rat in the basement before or after? We did all the work in your basement, mardi Gras.
Speaker 6:After, I think the neighbor was like composting or something out back and because he complained about having rats, and I'm like, oh, it's one of your rats. I got the poor little thing.
Speaker 2:Can anybody else share a moment when you faced a major challenge and what inner resources you used to overcome it? When you found your inner strength?
Speaker 1:I can say I had a lot of moments like what Mary is talking about, because I do live alone, brooke, I'm sure you maybe have a few too when there's no one to pass off like some big major challenge. Sometimes it really sucks, but YouTube is a friend I can say has saved me on multiple occasions from many things. Friends are also a great link, like you, mary, a lot of times when I'm not sure what I'm going to do next because, like recently, something that happened is the gauge on the top of my I'm probably going to even say all of this wrong, because it's how much I know about this topic I think it was my hot not my hot water tank. It was the water pump. It had rusted so much this, this gauge on the top, that it completely popped off.
Speaker 1:And when I got home from work one day I could hear water. I was like what is that? And I go in my basement and it's flooding because water is just pouring out of this tank and I'm like, oh my God, what do I do? I called my son, I called a friend, one of my friends stopped by and eventually we discovered that there was actually a switch on the wall that turned the pump off, but in the meantime I'd already called a plumber and had a plumber coming and had to pay for an emergency visit because it was after hours and they were able to get me a new gauge that was on the top of the pump the next day, but in the meantime at least my basement wasn't flooding anymore. Oh, I don't know if that's inner strength, or just like I don't know what that is inner strength or just like I don't know what that is.
Speaker 6:Of course it is.
Speaker 1:Because the alternative is to break down and not do anything and just be an active and inert, I don't know Like, in those moments I don't think of it as inner strength, I think of it as just like dealing with what is. You know what I mean.
Speaker 5:Well, really quick, I want to say that it's really funny that, carrie, you compared our situations, because, yes, we're both women living on our own in our own houses. And then B, mary, it's very funny that you said you could have just said F it. You could have done this. And that brings me to my story. About a week ago, my hot water tank did blow. It ended up getting a hole in it, and I realized because I went to take a shower in the morning and my hot water was only lasting for about five minutes. So I told my mom about it and she told me an element probably broke and we'd get it fixed. You know when it gets warmer.
Speaker 5:And then I came home that following night I took a step in my bedroom and my whole carpet is completely soaked with water in my middle of winter too, so it's freezing cold water. I live in a trailer, so it's freezing cold water, I live in a trailer, so it's just. It caused my floor to start buckling also. So I did what Mary said. In the moment, I'm going through a lot in life right now, so the only inner strength I could find was to say fuck it, I don't care. So I'm so thankful that within my moment of fuck it, I have community to lift me up. So I called my stepdad and I said this is a situation I'm saying fuck it. If you want to come help fix it, please do. Otherwise I don't care, because it's 10 o'clock at night. There is nothing I can do.
Speaker 7:Fuck it, I'm done.
Speaker 5:If you cannot find resilience, just try to keep your composure, trust yourself, trust in the universe.
Speaker 1:Everything will work out, and turn to your community to help you figure it out and put on some rubber boots, exactly sleep in your galoshes yep, find what you're thankful for the door to that room right right, brooke Sleep in the other one.
Speaker 6:Yeah, exactly, oh my gosh, While you were talking, I was thinking of this other situation that I haven't thought about in a long time. I was whitewater rafting with a group of friends and we had selected my friend to be. Oh shoot, I don't know the person that steers the boat, basically the rudder and so there's like five of us in the, in the boat we're on over in Gawanda. What creek? Is that not relevant?
Speaker 2:story, is it?
Speaker 6:Thor, thor. What, thor Thor? None of the above. I don't know where I'm whitewater rafting, but this is a perfect metaphor for when you're in tough times. So the water isn't very deep, and so we get stuck on a rock and it's inertia, and physics are so weird. So the boat stops and then all of a sudden it bucks forward and I realize, like I am not trained for this, and so I'm thinking I have to rescue the people, to get them in the boat, because they're floating everywhere, but also I have to control the boat, and I didn't do any of those things. Well, because so, now that there was no rudder, the boat is just spinning and spinning, and all I found myself was trying to find the front of the boat, and so I'm, I'm spinning as well. Eventually, these people make it back to the boat. We're all in and we laugh about it. I don't even think I had an oar, I don't even know. I think everything left the boat.
Speaker 2:But what a metaphor. Let's talk about this as a metaphor for life, when you need to find inner strength.
Speaker 6:Inner strength and an oar. What is going to be your rudder to keep you from spinning, so that you can find center?
Speaker 1:I'm still looking for that bad boy find center and do what you need to do that bad boy. I'm having a moment where I'm thinking about, like some of the things we just spoke about, are times when you had to find inner strength when something kind of out of your control has happened. I think it's much harder to find inner strength when something that might have been within your control happens, like you're in the shitstorm of that was in my control, I contributed to this mess and now I've got to rise out of it. Does that resonate with you guys?
Speaker 2:Sure, I think. When it's those types of things, I go back to my core values. What are my core values? Does this align? If this doesn't align, am I where I need to be? I guess, and that's not fair, not to give an example. I think the examples I think of are related to work situations and being in a situation where the company was headed in a direction that didn't align with my beliefs. That didn't align with my beliefs. So I know my core values are growth and my core values are community, growth and community and connection. So if I'm doing something that's outside of those, or the people I'm with are not committed to growth and connecting and community, then it is very hard for me to be all in, and then I'd have to do a deep dive and I did look for a position elsewhere. Do you think?
Speaker 1:you contributed to the agency, though going off course of your values?
Speaker 2:No, no, because that was outside of my locus of control, and that was that was the reality was okay. Is this within the locus of my control? If it isn't, then does it align with my values? It didn't, so the only thing I could control was myself, and I had to remove myself from the situation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was thinking that usually, when I've contributed to something and it's put me in a shit storm, that one of the things I try to remember is that there hasn't been a day that I haven't got through number one, so like I will get through this day. It may not be enjoyable, but there are good days ahead. I try to remember that and then I try to really think about like how I contributed to it and if, if I need to do some follow up in some way with people or myself, or how I'm going to move forward in the next moment to realign with my values typically and sometimes that's hard, and sometimes I think we were talking about like the external validation to like sometimes in moments you realize that you weren't aligned with your values, that maybe you were just going along with something before you realized, oh shit, this isn't what I thought it was, or this isn't going how I thought it was going to go, and so there can be some circling back to kind of gain some inner strength and move forward.
Speaker 2:I think yeah, I think so. Mary's story reminded me, and then hearing you guys continue to talk is it has been kind of full circle for me. Tomorrow I have a meeting about a program that I'm working on and the next two years, once a month, we'll be doing adventure based learning with a group of kids to teach leadership, and this group has done some adventure-based learning ourselves and we've done some kayaking which makes Mary's story even more funny because we've kayaked together. But we're always doing a debrief and seeing what we could learn from each other and a lot of those things that we do involve fear and self-doubt Can I do this or can I not do this?
Speaker 2:And the last time that we went to do an adventure, the white water was great and wonderful, but there was this rock that you can jump off of that I had jumped off in the past.
Speaker 2:I mean, I have videos of me jumping off the same rock and so we got to it. Laura and Mary are in my boat and I'm like let's go jump off the rock. And they didn't seem like they were gonna go jump off the rock until I was like let's go, and I'm climbing up there. We get to the top and they're getting ready to jump off and I'm like, oh, I'm not jumping. I definitely was like in the self-doubt fear and my body was saying, oh no, you're not going to jump today, no. So now, since I've been getting ready for this adventure-based learning and talking through some of the adventures we're going to do, I'm interested on whether or not my age is going to play a factor and add some fear and doubt into whether or not I can be as participatory. The challenge by choice might be a little bit different. For me, the choice has always been go high, but it might be more of a support.
Speaker 6:I think what was most interesting about that experience of you deciding not to jump was we talked about external validation. How about external invalidation? Was the man that was shaming you the entire way down? And when you think about that, he was trying to convince you to do something. Maybe that he thought that you would appreciate in the end, but I didn't like how he was trying to influence your decision. And are there people external to us that have done that to us? Oh yeah, try to change our minds.
Speaker 1:I think so. I think it happens so often and I don't know if this is something as I'm getting older, but often I think. Sometimes when I have something as I'm getting older, but often I think, sometimes when I have something that I'm wanting to pursue or something I want to go after, sometimes I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want, whatever their views are on the thing that I want to do, to impact my momentum in doing the thing.
Speaker 6:Yeah, because if you have a history with the person and perhaps maybe they are more negative about things, less excited, then, right, I would keep it real close to myself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I agree, I don't ever want to be the voice in someone's head either too. You know what I mean. Like, because we're doing this with Brooke and Aaron, and man, I hope I'm never the voice in their head that says don't climb as high as you can, and don't be the voice that says don't jump, like jump. So if I'm a voice in either of your heads, I'm saying jump.
Speaker 1:I'm saying do what you feel like you want to do.
Speaker 7:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What does your heart tell you?
Speaker 5:My mom asked me when I was a kid if your friend jumped off the bridge, you would follow them.
Speaker 2:I say, fuck yeah, that's what you say I hear Tracy in my head saying yes, jump, jump, jump jump.
Speaker 7:Your mom was the friend too.
Speaker 1:Always the friend, I guess. When my mom asked me that, I was like no, I'll do. I'll do whatever I want to do, I do think a lot of times when I've been in those positions, two things I like to think. I know myself enough to know what I'm comfortable doing and not comfortable doing, but sometimes I do fall into the am I selling myself short? And I can do that.
Speaker 2:So I'm thinking of the pamper pole, and the pamper pole is a telephone pole.
Speaker 2:I think we talked about it on here before that. You get put in a harness, you climb up a ladder, you climb up some pegs and then you have to get on this one foot by one foot base that's on top of the telephone pole and you can sit up there. Then you have to stand up there, then you have to show 10 feet up there and then you have to choose whether or not to jump. And that is such a good representation of finding inner strength, because each category you have to dig deep and figure out do I have the strength and can I go to the next level? I think man, on top of that pamper pole, it is a place where I have contemplated whether or not I have the inner strength to take the next step or if the inner strength is to jump. Maybe it isn't.
Speaker 1:Or just to try, it feels like jello. My hands are sweating right now just hearing you talk about it, because I don't like heights. I'm picturing what it's like to climb up that pole and that little square platform at the top and my hands are sweating.
Speaker 6:I'm remembering. Yeah, I'm remembering what it's like.
Speaker 2:Because, when you're finding inner strength. You're like, oh my God, just like when you're in the kayak and like I'm not prepared to do this. Nobody told me how to do this, and I think that's a really good metaphor for when you find yourself in the middle of something that you're like I'm not. I'm not the qualified adult.
Speaker 6:Yeah, and in that situation I needed to do something quickly.
Speaker 2:Fortunately, there are other situations where you can just sit, and sometimes situations are emergencies like the water. Yeah, if the kayaking you couldn't, you didn't have time to regulate your brain, but you couldn't make a decision that was educated because it was so fast yes, all you could do is survive.
Speaker 3:Sometimes that's part of inner strength is oh shit. How am I going to get through this to the other side? I will reflect upon this later. I can't think about this right now.
Speaker 1:Let me make it through this white water rafting and then how many times, when you're in that position, do you come back and think how the hell did I do that? Oh my god, I can't believe I survived Like.
Speaker 2:Wonder Woman.
Speaker 6:I actually remember feeling a bit critical about myself that I couldn't. It really felt like I couldn't be relied upon to do the quick thinking to rescue the others, and so I think that's also why it was poignant for me and in how I remember it.
Speaker 1:I think it's interesting that you think everyone else's expectation was that you would be able to do that too. So like you need to give yourself a little grace in that moment too. Like you're, you're saying that was their expectation of you. And it may not have been. They might've been like we're all in this together and you just happened to be the lucky one who was in the boat, and eventually you all got back together and carried on and no one even had that expectation of you.
Speaker 6:Probably not. It probably is just something that I had for myself, because they say you know you do need to self-rescue. But there is also you do practice in big water bringing people in from the water and out. And I will say, in later years, in big water on the new river, I did rescue a man who had fallen from the boat and I rescued them all on my own quite successfully and I was super pumped by that.
Speaker 3:I wanted to go back to what Carrie was saying. How you know you do have to save yourself first. I also like the saying you can't pour from an empty glass. And in that moment, mary, there was no water in your cup. There was none Out of my hand. You were surrounded by the water.
Speaker 2:That's so great. Brooke sent me a video that's been going around on Instagram. It's a cup of wine somebody puts under a faucet and it's about healing and that made me kind of think of that as well. So it starts this really dark purple and the water's running into the glass and it's just a really again, a nice metaphor for you don't just heal. It takes a long time for the water to get in there and it changes the color and it goes from dark purple to a little bit lighter, to a little bit lighter, to a little bit lighter. It takes a really long time for it to get back to a clear color. So, when you're thinking of healing, that was just a really cool thing. That really might not be relevant to this conversation, but it was a really cool video, brooke it was. I think it's relevant. It relevant. I'm like, why am I bringing this together?
Speaker 6:it totally is, especially with erin, saying like, if your cup isn't full, so what is that water that you're putting in your cup? And if that, that's a good. Next question of how do you fill your cup so that you can, or if your cup is?
Speaker 2:full of bad wine. Yeah, what do you do? How do you get it back? I think that I think maybe you started to touch on it too, mary, when you started to talk about regulating and regulating your brain and giving yourself time to regulate.
Speaker 1:I wanted to share here. I had shared with you guys earlier a quote that I found on Instagram that Brene Brown had shared, so I told you guys it was a. Brene Brownie Said that the French word for non means more than just no. It's a form of self preservation and protection for one's time and sanity, and so I was just thinking about it, like the, when we were talking about climbing the pole. Like, for me, it's a no and it's how do I want to? Like protect my time and sanity? Like, do I just really want to scare myself to death is what I think in that moment. Or can I do a better thing, which is to stay here on the ground and encourage my friends who do want to do that? Like, for me, my time is better spent on the ground cheering you on.
Speaker 2:She keeps repeating on the ground, I'm staying on the ground.
Speaker 7:I'm right there with you, Carrie. I'm right on the ground with you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I know that's where I belong. I don't know, I don't feel bad about it Like I don't either.
Speaker 7:I guess one of the things that I would tell our younger well, anyone really Okay. So when you look back at doing something, do you do it or do you not do it? It's not you should absolutely do it or not do it, but what? Looking back in 20 years, are you sad that you didn't do the thing or are you happy that you didn't do the thing? And I will tell you, when it comes to ropes courses, I am happy, sitting here 20 years later, that I didn't do the thing. I hate heights. I'm so afraid of them.
Speaker 2:So it's not I'm sorry. No, I love it.
Speaker 7:Do it or don't do it, we don't own one. You don't want to look back with regrets, it's true, but you don't want to look back regretting that you did something either no, mary, oh, I had to.
Speaker 3:Jodi, I love that you say that because there's so much pressure. As a young person like myself I'm not a partier. I don't enjoy going out and getting drunk at the bars. I enjoy reading my books, like I have other things that I enjoy doing. That's all and I very often get. You know, you're probably going to regret this when you're older and I'm like I'm pretty sure older me is going to be so happy. You know, yeah, absolutely I. Just I don't like how weaponized that is when people want you to do something.
Speaker 3:Well, you're really going to regret this later oh fomo right fear right it's a thing no, I usually respond very quickly no, I'm not.
Speaker 6:Yeah, I'm all good right here on the ground yeah, I feel like I regret a lot of the times I went out.
Speaker 2:Aaron so was it you or Laura that had the chip in their bra?
Speaker 6:It was Laura, sorry. Both Laura and I received a free drink and in the form of a chip that we could redeem at another time, and I'm sure I used my chip and Laura squirreled hers away in her bra, and it was the next morning and she had forgotten that it was there, and so I have this vision of her pulling it out with this pleasant surprise from her bra, and I think it left a little red mark on her skin. What's so funny?
Speaker 2:What advice would you give someone who feels disconnected from their strength or who's struggling to find strength from within? There's a quote from Eat Pray Love, elizabeth Gilbert, and she is talking to the gentleman from Texas and he tells her to not confuse her wishbone with her backbone, and I think that that, for me, is good advice, like, be careful that you're thinking with your backbone, not your wishbone, because quite often I always see the potential in people, I always see what they could be, and it has burnt me so many times where I see the potential in something and not what it actually is. My advice would be to look to yourself.
Speaker 6:So you don't think you have inner strength, but you do and reflect on a time in which you were faced with a challenge and you came through it. Basically, dissect that to figure out what it was that got you through it, because the answer is always within us. That is where the solution is.
Speaker 2:It's not what somebody else's experience was and what they did, it's what did you do and if you're looking at other people's experiences, I think I mean some people like to poll and I get that, but you're never going to find the answer there. You might find some resources or you might find a different way to look at it, but you'll never find the answer in somebody else's hand. I've been interviewing kids all week and all last week and it's funny, I've been starting each interview with don't worry about the questions, you already know all the answers. They're about you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I love that. I think we talked about, you know, not pouring from an empty glass and at first I was like, oh, the water must be our strength, but I don't think that it's the water, I think that it's the cup itself. I really do. We're inherently built to handle stressful situations. We have a parasympathetic nervous system when we're calm and a sympathetic nervous system when we're in fight or flight mode. You have the tools to create the outcome that you would like, and they're within you, and I think that it's important to trust yourself, and I think that would be my advice Trust yourself.
Speaker 3:Can you talk a little bit about the two systems? Yeah, so our nervous system can be broken down into multiple branches, but the two major branches that I always like to focus on are the sympathetic nervous system and our parasympathetic nervous system. So our sympathetic nervous system is our fight or flight system, which is the system that's activated when we are anxious and distressed, if we are processing something that's happening to us, our parasympathetic nervous system is automatic. You can think of it as rest and digest. So that is our calm, resting state. It is a lot easier to make a decision when our parasympathetic nervous system is going, because it doesn't take as much energy to sit there and relax. Like I said, my biggest piece of advice is to trust yourself and the strength that you were born with and that is within you.
Speaker 1:I agree with that, erin. I think that my advice would be to, like you said, slow down. Number one Usually what I can find is that you know, I do know, I know what feels good and I know what feels bad and I know what the opposite of the feeling bad feeling is sometimes. Sometimes it takes me a long time to get there. But if I can get to where I can even think of like what the good feeling is, I can try to get there.
Speaker 1:I feel like the more you can kind of digest really what it is you are feeling, give yourself some time to think about it, it really does give you time to move forward. It's like I think in the last episode I talked about the shitty first draft. It's kind of like letting that that live in the what would be what you talked about, like the anxious, the anxiety, the scaries, sunday scaries. You know kind of living in that moment for a little bit, but then knowing that you have got through every day and that you know what does feel good and what does feel bad, and how can you get to more of the feeling good than the feeling bad.
Speaker 5:So really quick. Erin, I kind of have a question for you based off of the fight or flight mode. I think that situationally, a lot of people are put in a place where they have to use their fight or flight mode more than the other and therefore, when they are put into different situations, their fight or flight mode ends up coming out instead of being able to use their parasympathetic nervous system. So is there ways for people that are constantly easily triggered and they easily get into that fight or flight mode? Is there easy ways or ways that they can manage to get out of the habit of having their body directly go into fight or flight mode?
Speaker 3:Absolutely. You bring up a really good point that a lot of us are in that sympathetic fight or flight mode very frequently and when you're there all the time, it's easy to stay there because your body gets used to it. Any sort of stimuli can you know, like you said, make you triggered or trigger it? So deep breathing exercises, meditation, yoga, counseling to process those traumas and being in that constant state of stress is so helpful.
Speaker 3:You bring up a really good point that in today's day and age, I always like to talk about how we were never meant to know as much about the world as we do. So we're constantly facing horrible news, like the news will show. You know horrible things that are happening and it's hard not to respond viscerally to each factoid that you are coming across. And social media we talked about it being chronically connected can lead to that, in my opinion. So I think deep breathing exercises, grounding yourself, can be super helpful and honestly, I'm sure Jodi sees this in her practice as well If you're constantly in fight or flight, your muscles are super tight and it's hard to relax.
Speaker 7:Yes, I do see that quite often.
Speaker 2:In our field we do a lot of work with trauma-informed care and exactly what you're talking about, brooke, and there's one thing that I have learned about healing-centered spaces that help, especially when somebody's triggered, and that is getting them to do something repetitious. So whether it's bouncing a ball against the wall or drumming on a drum or going for a walk at a set speed, it helps your body regulate your nervous system Rhythm, yeah.
Speaker 5:Rhythm yeah, it gets back to your circadian rhythm, though Like your homeostasis.
Speaker 3:And what you're talking about is our vagus nerve is a cranial nerve that comes out of our brain that has a lot to do with sending us into our sympathetic nervous system. So vagal nerve stimulation is stimulating that nerve to return your body to, like what Brooke said, homeostasis, to that resting, parasympathetic state. So that can be achieved in a multitude of different ways but meditation, grounding, having those safe spaces that mom talked about. Also meeting people where they're at is really important too in those situations.
Speaker 1:All right, Trace, I think it's time for you to tell us how to make tea Well, thanks.
Speaker 2:Kara, I haven't thought about how to make tea because I've been writing a grant. Who else has been thinking about tea making?
Speaker 3:strength. You know, that's kind of what we talked about last week, but you had talked about dissecting it further. What decisions did you make? Do you regret those decisions? Do you appreciate those decisions? Are you being compassionate with yourself and empathetic with your situation?
Speaker 1:I was also thinking about the non. Like what might be a non for you, that's more than just no, that it's something that is a form of self-protection for one's own time and sanity. I love that non.
Speaker 5:We call that a hard. No, exactly it's a hard no.
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